白昼夢 Waking Dream

(日本語が苦手なので、また、間違えがあったら、教えてくださいね。)

毎日起きると、腹時計は私に帰る日まで何日間を知らせる。10日。9、8、7、6。カウントダウンみたいだ。今まで考えなかったけど、本当に終わりにリフトオフもあるね。

毎日私の心が避ける。アメリカにいる家族とか友達にまた会うことを楽しみにしていないわけじゃない。楽しみにしている。けれど、まだ日本を出たくない。一年間いろいろできた。富士山に登ったり合気道の茶帯になったり、数えられないほど日本人友達をつくったり(各人尊い)まだ書いていないことをしたりした。しかし、日本でしたいことはまだ多い。まだ黒帯じゃないし、まだ日本人みたいに日本語を話せないし、行ったことはない場所も多い。一番つらいのは友達と離れると、さびしい。

つらい。なぜかというと、帰る前にみなさんもう一回会いたい。でも、友達が多いということの悪点の一つは出るときに皆さんに挨拶するのは無理だ。集まりに行ったり訪問したりしてがんばっても、人のスケジュールとか生活の動き方によって、会えない人が残っている。今、特にその友達の気になっていて持つとしている。起きている誰かがその白昼夢から朝明けに引っ張られるまでその夢を持つように持っている。

Every day I wake up, an internal clock reminds me how many days before I go back. 10 days. 9, 8, 7, 6. Like a countdown. I didn’t think about it until now, but ironically, there is a lift off at the end of it, too.

Every day my heart breaks. It’s not that I’m not looking forward to seeing family and friends in the US again, I am. But I just don’t want to leave Japan yet. In one year I’ve done so much, climbing Mount Fuji, becoming a brown belt in Aikido, made more Japanese friends than I can count (I value every single one), and many other things I’ve neglected writing to my readers about. Yet, there are so many things left that I want to do here in Japan. I’m not a black belt yet. I still don’t speak Japanese like a Japanese. There are many places in Japan where I haven’t been yet. But most of all, I’ll miss my friends.

And it’s so hard, because I want to see them all again before I leave, but I’ve learned that one of the downsides to having many friends, is when the time comes to leave, it’s impossible to say goodbye to all of them. Try as one might, to set up meetings and make visits, between conflicting schedules and the way life works, some people are missed. I’m particularly thinking of those people now, trying to hold on to them, much in the same way one struggles to hold onto their waking dream until the morning light drags them out of it.

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About Stephen

My name is Stephen Gabriel Falke, and I am passionate for all things Japanese. I have been accepted to teach for the JET Program starting 2015. In the past, during my time in college, I also had the chance to participate in a study abroad at Sophia University, Tokyo, Japan, for Japan's 2012 school year. On my blog I write about my love for Japan, my journey to get there and stay there, and my adventures studying and teaching there.
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One Response to 白昼夢 Waking Dream

  1. Gigi Falke says:

    A comforting thought, my dear son….you will return to Japan one day, probably sooner rather than later, much to my sadness as your Mom here in America, and then you will be able to do many of the things you’re leaving undone in Japan and reconnect with those you are leaving behind there.

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